Tight, tight, tight

Tight, tight, tight

This couple was in bed getting busy when the girl places the guy’s hand onto her pussy.

“Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
“Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says,
“Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in when she says moaning aloud
“Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in!
“Now clap your hands…” commands the girl.
“I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says

“See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

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Auctions

Auctions

Wife: “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”

Husband: “How about the ones like mine?”

Wife: “Those they gave away.”

Husband: “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”

Wife: “And how much for the ones like mine?”

Husband: “That’s where they held the auction.”

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200 bucks

200 bucks

One day at home a wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, “Hi, is Tony home?”

The wife replies, “No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.”

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred buck just to see one.”

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell – a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and the guy then says “That was so amazing I’ve got to see both of them. I’ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together.”

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, “You know, your friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

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Wrong finger?

Wrong finger?

A: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

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Big boots!

Big boots!

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, ‘Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?’
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thankya, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.’
‘Don’t be flattered…Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit…’
*Women can be so cruel!*

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. ”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, “That must be the door, I’ll get it.”

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Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

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Blonde in a car

Blonde in a car

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

“No!” yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

“For the last time, no!” says the blonde.

Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”

The blonde says, “Because I wanna stay up here with you!

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One good salesman

One good salesman

A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho.”

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.

The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

“That will have to change, and soon if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65.”

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing!”

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Fifty shades of grey

Fifty shades of grey

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :

“OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can’t parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!”

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