Touching home stories

Touching home stories

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realised, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands”

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Don’t f**k with Mummy when she’s been on the piss.”

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Forever a woman’s arm

Forever a woman’s arm

A golfer was in a car accident and lost his arm. He was taken to the hospital and just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him:
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God, no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc what’s the good news?
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm. I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc,” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again!”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.” “Not only that,” continued the golfer “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, there is just one problem,” said the golfer. “Every time I get an erection I also get a splitting headache.

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Cost effective assassin

Cost effective assassin

A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, “It’s going to cost you $1000 per bullet.”

The man says, “What if you miss?”

The assassin replies, “I don’t miss.”

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, “I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off.”

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, “Aren’t you going to shoot?”

The assassin replies, “Hold up, I think I can save you $1000.”

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Premature ejaculation

Premature ejaculation

A woman went out for a first date and was upset when the bloke stood her up.

The next morning she called him to find out why.

“I’m really sorry,” he apologised. “The reason I didn’t turn up is that I suffer from premature ejaculation.”

Although she was still miffed, the sympathetic girl decided to hear him out.

“Thanks for being honest,” she said. “But why would premature ejaculation make you stand me up? It’s not like we were even having sex yet.”

“The thing is,” he sighed, “I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant. After that, I just didn’t see the point in paying for your dinner.”

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Journalist discovery

Journalist discovery

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that muslim women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, “Because they are considered of lesser status.” Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, “What has changed?” The guide answered, “Land mines.”

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7 Wife jokes

7 Wife jokes

Research shows that men speak 25,000 words a day and a women speaks 30,000 a day…
The problem is, after the husband comes home from work having consumed his 25,000 words..
The wife starts her 30,000.

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I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him”
I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again”
My son said, “I see what you mean Dad”

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For the first time in our relationship my wife has put some real effort into fucking me,
it’s a shame she waited until we got to the divorce courts.

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My wife asked me how many fingers I could fit up her
Apparently ‘a whole box’ wasn’t the right answer

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Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
“Since when do you wear womens pants?”
“Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!”

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My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word ‘cunt.’
I suppose she’s got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother’s real name.

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My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother’s funeral.
Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

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Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:  Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn

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No reason not to celebrate

No reason not to celebrate

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says: “Looks like he’s still fuckin celebrating!!

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Tension in the cockpit

Tension in the cockpit

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going!

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.

I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between ‘C’ and ‘D’, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

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Men / Women friendship

Men / Women friendship

PROOF THAT MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS THAN WOMEN:

Wife didn’t come home last night. The next morning, she told her husband that she slept at a friend’s house. Husband phones her 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it.

One night husband didn’t come home. The next morning he told her that he slept at a friend’s house. Wife phones his 10 best friends …

8 confirm that he slept over and 2 keep insisting that he was still there.

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