Evil women

Evil women

A young lady comes home from a date rather upset. She tells her mother, “Lenny proposed to me an hour ago.”

“Then why are you sad?” her mother asks.

“Because he also told me he is an atheist,” the girl responds. “Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

Her mother replies, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

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No fucking icecream

No fucking icecream

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and tells the guy behind the counter, “I’d like a gallon of chocolate ice cream.”

The counter man says, “I know that this may sound strange, but we don’t have any chocolate ice cream. We ran out and the delivery truck hasn’t arrived yet.”

She says, “In that case, I’ll have half a gallon of chocolate ice cream.”

“Ma’am, I just told you that I’m sorry, we don’t have any chocolate ice cream.”

“Okay, then I’ll have a pint of chocolate ice cream.”

“Look lady, I said we don’t have ANY chocolate ice cream.”

“That’s okay, I’ll have an ice cream cone with two scoops of chocolate.”

The counter man is absolutely livid and says, “Lady, how do you spell the
‘straw’ in strawberry?”

She says, “S-T-R-A-W.”

“Right, now how do you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla?”

“V-A-N.”

“Great, now how do you spell the ‘fuck’ in chocolate?”

She says, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, THERE IS NO FUCKIN’ CHOCOLATE!”

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What a coincidence

What a coincidence

Man in bar orders champagne. Lady next to him says “What a coincidence, I’ve ordered champagne too!”

Man: “I’m celebrating”
Lady: “Me too – what a coincidence!”
Man: “What are you celebrating?”
Lady: “Hubby & I have tried for years for a baby, now I’m pregnant”
Man: “What a coincidence. I’m a farmer, for years my hens were infertile, now they are all laying eggs”
Lady: “WOW how did that happen?”
Man: “I used a different cock”

The lady smiled, clincked her glass and said “What a coincidence!”…….

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Highway to Hawaii

Highway to Hawaii

3 men walking the beach drinkin a few beers and one stumbles upon a lamp. Naturally he rubs it and a genie pops out who will grant them all 1 wish each.
The first man says “I’ll take a lifetime supply of Budweiser”
The second man says ” I want 10 million dollars”
The third man says “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m afraid to fly, and I get sea sick..could ya make me a highway that goes there?”
The genie replies that’s a tough one, anything else you want?
The third man says ” Okay then, tell me why women think the way they do?”
The genie replies “Would you like that highway 2 lane or 4?”

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Awesome tattoo

Awesome tattoo

It’s a couple’s Anniversary and the woman decides to do something nice for her husband so she goes to a tattoo parlour and says “Can I have the initials of my husband tattooed onto my ass please? I would like ‘b’ on one cheek and ‘b’ on another cheek.” After the tattoo is finished she goes home pulls her trousers down and bends over infront of her husband and her husband says: “Hmm  … are you trying to tell me something ? Who’s Bob?!”

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Police stop

Police stop

I was pulled over by the police at midnight and they asked me where I was going…
I told them I was going to listen to a Lecture about the Affects of Drugs & Alcohol Abuse on the human body.
The cop asked who was going to a lecture at this time of night???
I said “The Fucking Wife……”

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Women …

Women …

A woman in an ASDA store notices a young assistant.  He has such a cute arse it makes her feel randy.  She asks him to carry her shopping to her car.  On the way she can’t hold back any more and says, “I’ve got a hot itchy pussy”.  He says “you’ll have to point it out love.  All these fuckin’ Japanese cars look the same to me”.

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Impossible to please

Impossible to please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

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Lady vs bracelet

Lady vs bracelet

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful Diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well!

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with:
‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers:
“Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”

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Boob job

A women goes to the Doctor and tells him she would like her boobs made bigger.
The Doctor tells her to rub toilet paper on her boobs and that will make them bigger.
She asks: “How is that going to make them bigger ?”
The Doctor says: “Well it worked on your ass!”

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