Important things

Important things

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be  with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other!!!

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Las Vegas !!!

Las Vegas !!!

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”

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Another seven important men

Another seven important men

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life:

1. The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”

2. The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”

3. The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”

4. The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”

5. The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”

6. The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”

7. The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

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Little John and April

Little John and April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

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How to start a fight …

How to start a fight …

One year, I  decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The  next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t  used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s  how the fight started…..
_______________________________
My  wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”  while  we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want  to  have Sex?’  ‘No,’ she answered.  I then said,  ‘Is that your  final  answer?’  She  didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’  So I  said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And  that’s when the fight started…
________________________________
I  took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took  my  order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”  He  said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”  “Nah,  she can order for herself.”

And  that’s when the fight started…..
________________________________
My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,  and  she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he  sat  alone at a nearby table.  I  asked her, “Do you know him?”  “Yes”,  she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took  to  drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear  he  hasn’t been sober since.”  “My  God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And  then the fight started…
________________________________
When  our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me  that  I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always   had  something else to take  care  of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something  more  important  to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When  I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,  busily  snipping  away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for  a  short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,  and  when  I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you  finish  cutting  the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The  doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a  limp.
_______________________________
My wife sat  down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on  TV?”  I said, “Dust.”

And then  the fight started…
________________________________
Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and  slipped  quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van,  and  proceeded  to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing  50  mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then  I  discovered  that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the  house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my  wife’s  back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The  weather  out  there is terrible.”

My  loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid  husband  is  out fishing in that?”

And  that’s how the fight started…
________________________________
My wife was  hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,  “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3  seconds.” I bought  her a bathroom scale.

And then  the fight started……
_______________________________
After  retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social  Security.

The woman  behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my  age. I  looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told  the  woman that  I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman  said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my  curly  silver  hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’  and  she  processed my Social Security application..When I got home, I excitedly  told  my wife  about my experience at the Social Security office…She said, ‘You  should  have  dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then  the fight started…
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My  wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not  happy  with  what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I  really  need  you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near  perfect.”

And  then the fight started……..

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Dead wife

Dead wife

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

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Virgin on a date

Virgin on a date

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don’t let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said “grandmother I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his.”

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Seven wise men

Seven wise men

Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.

First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole. Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit. Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee. Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT!

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Husband, wife and kids

Husband, wife and kids

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs.”

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What a woman says

What a woman says

What a woman says…

This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears…

blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

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