Convict breaks into a house

Convict breaks into a house

A convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and his wife.  He jumps on the wife and kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom.  The husband whispers to his wife “satisfy him or he’ll kill us.  I saw the way he kissed you… just be strong, I love you”.  The wife replies “he didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he’s gay, horny and looking for Vaseline.  I told him “it’s in the bathroom.  Let’s see who’s fuckin’ strong now”?

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What do you tell ?

What do you tell ?

“What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes??”

“Nothing……she’s already been told twice”

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Aussie traveller

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster’s, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he’s from in Australia …

‘ Melbourne ‘, he tells her.

‘So am I. What suburb?’ she enquires.

‘Glen Iris’ he replies.

‘That’s amazing,’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I – what street?’

‘ Cameo Street ‘ he replies.

‘This is unbelievable………’ she says, her voice quavering;

‘What number?’

‘Number 20’, he replies.

She is totally astonished. ‘You are NOT going to believe this,’ she screams, ‘but I’m from number 22! My parents still live there!’

‘I know…’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you’

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My wife

My wife sent me shopping the other day, she told me to come back with something that would make her look sexy….so i returned with two bottles of vodka and a case of stella

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Dinner with my mate

I had dinner with my mate and his girlfriend last night. She was handing out the potatoes and asked me how many I wanted. I said “I’ll have one thanks”, she said “you don’t have to be so polite, how many would you like”. So I said “Okay, I’ll have one… you fat bitch”!

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Massage

A woman playing golf, teed off and watched her ball hit a man playing the next hole. He clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony. The woman rushed over to the man offering to relieve his pain as being she was a physiotherapist. The man said “no, I’ll be fine”. But she insisted. She gently took his hands away, undid his trousers and put her hands inside. She massaged tenderly for several moments and asked “how does that feel”? He replied “that feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken”!

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