Sleepy sermon

Sleepy sermon

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said,

“Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.” And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!!”

Read More

Kids shopping

Kids shopping

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,

“There were 2 boy puppies and 2 girl puppies.”

“How did you know?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath.” He replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

Read More

Three old ladies

Three old ladies

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. ”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, “That must be the door, I’ll get it.”

Read More

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

Read More

Best surgeons in the world!

Best surgeons in the world!

Three of the best surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in the world. In one operation, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them and eight months later he performed brilliantly at a sold-out concert at Carnegie Hall.”.

The second surgeon said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them and two years later he won a Gold Medal in a track and field event in the Olympics.”.

The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a crazy man rode a horse head-on into a train traveling eighty miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man’s blonde hair and the horse’s ass. I was able to put them together and now, he’s the President of the United States!”

Read More

Engineers vs. pole

Engineers vs. pole

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty-one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

Read More

Talking frogs

Talking frogs

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

Read More

Badass engineers.

Badass engineers.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Read More

Graduates differences

Graduates differences

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Read More

Engineer differences

Engineer differences

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Read More
Page 10 of 46« First...89101112...203040...Last »