Priests out for a swim

Priests out for a swim
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

Read More

Jew Jitsu

Jew Jitsu

So one guy says to another guy, “Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day…”

Right away, his friend interrupts him, “Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!”

So he starts again, “Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew’s Bar Mitzvah…”

Read More

Preacher’s salary

Preacher’s salary

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!”

More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex.”

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Sadie’s 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw the Preacher’.”

Read More

Groin massage

Groin massage

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, ” It feels great but I still think my thumb’s broken.”

Read More

Big holiday choices

Big holiday choices
I told my wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it lands that will be the holiday destination.

”Ooooo!” she says excited, ”Looks like its the Caribbean.”

”Great .” I replied, ”Now lets see where I’m going.”

Read More

Life choices

Life choices
I was having a quick drink in a quiet pub in town when I spotted a guy, deep into his glass at the end of the bar. He looked worse for wear and kind of sad so I went over.

“Hey mate, you ok?” I asked.

“What a fucking day.” he moaned. “My boss wants to kill me, I lost my job and my family too – my wife wants a divorce and my kids won’t speak to me.”

“Fuck. What happened?”

“I went round to my boss’s place this morning. Drop some papers off. He’s not in but his old lady is. And she’s a looker, even at 56. Anyway, one thing leads to another and after a few drinks I’m fucking her up the ass on the kitchen table. Which is when the boss came in.”

“Ouch.” I winced. “Unlucky, mate. And the family bit?”

“Well I work for my father-in-law…”

Read More

Extracts from tenant letters

Extracts from tenant letters

1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Read More

Word play

Word play
My parents have gone to India with some friends.

Mumbai?

No, she’s straight, but I don’t think it’s that kind of trip anyway.

Read More

Men …

Men …

I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing.

I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

Read More

Confused

Confused

Two Welsh lads have been fined in Australia, for breaking into a waterpark for a swim with dolphins, before kidnapping a penguin and taking it home.
They must have been completely shitfaced to confuse that with a sheep.

Read More
Page 20 of 46« First...10...1819202122...3040...Last »