Gary and Mary

Gary and Mary

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary’s pussy.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”
The waiter says, “Can I help you, sir?”

Gary yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!” The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair.”

Gary says, “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?”

Read More

It doesn’t look good, Fanny

It doesn’t look good, Fanny

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor, along with their wives, were on a cruise. Suddenly a tidal wave came out of nowhere, swamped the ship and they all drowned. The next thing they knew, they were standing before St. Peter.
Shaking his head, St. Peter first looked at the Presbyterian and his wife and said, “You cannot enter for you loved money too much. So much so, that you married a woman named Penny.”
St. Peter then turned to the Methodist and said, “I’m sorry for you cannot enter either. You loved food far too much. So much so that you married a woman named Candy.”
Hearing this, the Baptist nervously turned to his wife and whispered, “It doesn’t look good, Fanny.”

Read More

Discipline was not a problem!

Discipline was not a problem!

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Read More

Screw for that hinge

Screw for that hinge

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied, “That’s silver and it costs $100!”

“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom, Joe Bob yelled “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?’ To which Mary Louise replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”

Read More

Batch of racist jokes

Batch of racist jokes

(before starting with SJW and the sensitivity crap, please keep in mind that this is a funny jokes/humor website. send a joke instead of dissecting humor )

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters.
They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloreds running.

Two pregnant Irish women knitting.
One says “I hope mines a boy, I’ve only got blue wool”.
The other says “I hope mines disabled, I’ve fucked up the sleeves”.

Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Following the riots in Tottenham, it’s important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists.
The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who’s English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realized she was just on standby.

Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his family. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC, and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.

Read More

Rebuilding the engine

Rebuilding the engine

After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam.
John spoke to his professor after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?”
The professor replied,
“I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine.
I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine.
I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler.”

Read More

Tight, tight, tight

Tight, tight, tight

This couple was in bed getting busy when the girl places the guy’s hand onto her pussy.

“Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
“Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says,
“Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in when she says moaning aloud
“Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in!
“Now clap your hands…” commands the girl.
“I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says

“See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

Read More

Pepper only!

Pepper only!

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he’s in luck, there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, “What the heck did you put on this pizza?”
The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put on pizza what you order: pepper only.”

Read More

Enjoyed his 69 this morning

Enjoyed his 69 this morning

A guy is due to go for a dental appointment but before he leaves the house he wife drags him into bed and begs him for a 69.

He duly obliges and spends the next 30 minutes cleaning his teeth before going to the dentist.

His friendly dentist asks him if he enjoyed his 69 this morning and the guy asks him how did he know?

I mean I scrubbed my teeth and used a half bottle of mouthwash.Did you find a stray hair in my mouth or what?

No said the dentist there is a piece of shit stuck up your nose.

Read More

Almost crushed to death

Almost crushed to death

On New Year’s Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Read More
Page 3 of 4612345...102030...Last »