Awesome tattoo

Awesome tattoo

It’s a couple’s Anniversary and the woman decides to do something nice for her husband so she goes to a tattoo parlour and says “Can I have the initials of my husband tattooed onto my ass please? I would like ‘b’ on one cheek and ‘b’ on another cheek.” After the tattoo is finished she goes home pulls her trousers down and bends over infront of her husband and her husband says: “Hmm  … are you trying to tell me something ? Who’s Bob?!”

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Bar menu

Bar menu

A man walks into a bar and see’s a sign that reads

Shot of whiskey 50cents
24oz beer 2$
Handjob 3$
Cheese sandwhich 2.50$

His eyes widen when he finishes reading and checks his wallet for Dollar bills, he rushes to the counter and waves over
the hottest little red headed waitress you’ve ever seen and asks “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs!!!!???”
She replies “yes that’s me and winks” and the man says
“Well wash your fucking hands I want a cheese sandwhich”

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Language trouble

Language trouble

Name?
– Abdul al-Rhazib.
– Sex?
– Three to five times a week.
– No, no… I mean male or female?
– Male, female, sometimes camel.
– Holy cow!
– Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
– But isn’t that hostile?
– Horse style, doggy style, any style!
– Oh dear!
– No, no! Deer run too fast …

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Smart husband

Smart husband

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office.
After the exam, she shyly said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”, to which the doctor replies “I know…I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
“I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed.
“He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

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You never will

You never will

Jack and Jill were just married … Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill “try these on”… Jill said “they’re too big”, Jack said “exactly … I wear the trousers and always will … So Jill took her knickers off and said “try these on” … Jack said “I will never get into them” … Jill said “Exactly and if you dont change your f*cking attitude … you never will”

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For sale

For sale

FOR SALE!! Complete set of encyclopaedias, 45 volumes. Excellent condition! £1000 O.N.O. No longer needed, got married…wife knows fuckin everything!!

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Tongue sticking out

Tongue sticking out

One evening there was this little boy in the bath with his elderly grandmother when he suddenly makes a discovery.
“GRANDMA! GRANDMA! WHAT’S THAT?!”
“Why that’s my beaver” she explains
About a week later the little boy shares a bath with his mommy when he suddenly makes yet another discovery.
“MOMMY! MOMMY! WHAT’S THAT?! WHAT’S THAT?!”
“Why that’s my beaver” she explains.
The boy in concern says “Grandma has one too….except I think hers is dead”
In shock, the mother asks  “Now why would you think something like that?”
And the little guy says  “Cause it’s tongue’s sticking out”

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Michael Jackson on a boat

MJ was on a sinking boat with some kids and a friend of his and suddenly it was time to evacuate.

His friend: Michael, let’s go fast
Michael: But how about the kids?
His friend: Fuck them!
Michael: Do we really have that much time?

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Dogs

Dogs

A man walks into a bar, stands at the bar and asks – “Whose is the Great Dane outside?”
This huge tattooed thug turns around and says “Mine, Why?”

The little guy says “My dog just killed it”

“What sort of dog killed my Great Dane? ” Asks the thug.

“Mine’s a Chihuahua” replies the small bloke.

“How the hell did your Chihuahua kill my Great Dane? ”

“I think it got stuck in its throat…”

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The best lawyer joke

The best lawyer joke

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in cement?
Ans: Not enough cement.

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