I need a saw!

I need a saw!

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

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Pants are relative

Pants are relative

Yesterday my next door neighbor accused me of stealing washing off her line – said she was gonna call the cops…

I was so worried I nearly shit her pants!

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The little girl

The little girl

A 12-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, “Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says,

“Hey kid, I will give you $20 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and Says, “Okay kid, I will give you $30 and a BIG BIG bag Of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride.”

At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily; “Look, Daddy, YOU bought a Yamaha instead of a Harley so YOU ride it!”

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Denise

Denise

Bubba’s sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘ Ma’am, you had twins – a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.’

The woman thinks to herself, ‘Oh, no! Not Bubba; he’s an idiot!’

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, ‘Well, what’s the girl’s name?’

‘Denise,’ the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, ‘Wow! That’s a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name, Denise.

‘What’s the boy’s name?’

The doctor replies, ‘Denephew.’

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Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer

Story  from a Kansas State Highway  Patrol officer

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something in her body language, or the way she said it made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.

She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .357 Magnum in her purse.

I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a fucking thing!”

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The tuna sandwich

The tuna sandwich

A funny new trend at the office: 
People putting names on food in the company fridge.
Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

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The new doctor

The new doctor

A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

“Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

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Priceless

Priceless

New Miley Cyrus DVD: $15

Tub of Vaseline: $3

XL Box of Tissues: $2

The look of disgust on the cashier’s face as you pay: Priceless :-D

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Wrong finger?

Wrong finger?

A: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

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What the hell was that all about?

What the hell was that all about?

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”

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