Posts Tagged "Computer jokes"

Always a repairman

Always a repairman

An Englishman an American and an Irishman had been caught by the French and were about to face madam Guillotine. To show how brave they were each chose to face the blade:

First went the American but the blade jammed and as it must have been an act of God he was set free.
The Englishman was next but the same thing happened and he was set free.
The Irishman took his place praying and crossing himself hoping he to would be spared.

Just as the executioner was about the operate the trip lever the Irishman says “Just a minute, I think I can see the problem!”

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How life should be

How life should be

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Death. What’s that…a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

(3) You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf, you’re generally promiscuous (hey, you’ve only got a few years left, what’s the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish off as an orgasm!

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B-R-O-W-N

B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, “howdy, ma’am. My name’s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah’m from Dallas, Texas. Ah’m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah’m white from th’ top of mah head to th’ tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish.”

Well, she didn’t know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane.

He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, “howdy, suh. My name’s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah’m from Dallas, Texas. Ah’m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah’m white from th’ top of mah head to th’ tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish.”

The little fellow turned to him, “well now, how d’ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O’Donnell. I’m from Dublin, Ireland. I’m 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I’m white from the top o’ me head to the tip o’ me toes, except for me rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N.”

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They fast

They fast

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

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Graveyard

Graveyard

Why are there fences around a graveyard?
Because people are dying to get in.

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Paddy’s lunch!

Paddy’s lunch!

Working on a building site 22 stories high, an Irishman, an Englishman, and an Australian sit down to lunch every day.

Aussie ‘Jonesy’ opens up his lunch box and finds another Vegemite sandwich. “For fuck’s sake, ” he says. “I am sick to death of this shit, day in day out. If my wife packs this tomorrow I’m jumping off!!”
Paddy then opens his up and once again, a Potato sandwich appears. “Wel, I’m in as well Jonesy. If I get another Tottie Sandwich, I’m jumping!!”
Then Pommy Dave opens up his lunch to find the usual Cucumber and Cheese sandwich. “Righty o’ lads, I’ll be coming too if I get this shite again.”

So the following day all three sit down at lunch time ready to eat. Jonesy opens up his lunch box, and sure as shit, it’s another Vegemite Sanga! “That’s it, lads, I’m done!” And without hesitation, he jumps off.
“Fuck me,” says Dave. “I guess Jonesy wasn’t lying. If this is cucumber, I better hold up my end.” Dave takes one look, and closes his eyes and jumps!
“Well, I’ll be fooked!” Paddy says to himself. “I’m gonna have to jump if this is fookin` Potato again.” Sure enough, it’s a Tottie sandwich, and Paddy is beside himself. “I can’t let the lads down.” So the honorable Paddy jumps to his death too.

3 days later the wives are at the funeral of the 3 good friends and read suicide notes from each of them.

Jonesy’s wife says, “I can’t believe it. If only he had told me about the lunch, he would still be with us today.
” Dave’s wife agrees. “Yes, Dave made no mention. I thought he loved his Cucumber & Cheese!”

Paddy’s wife then says, “Well I just can’t believe all of this. Paddy used to make his own lunch!”

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Once again at the doctor’s

Once again at the doctor’s

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!!

The room erupted in applause.

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10

10

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine, eight, seven …”

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Rednecks

Rednecks

A small zoo in  Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. Herein, the Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

“First,” Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second,” he said, “she must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt.”

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third,” he said, “you can never tell any one about this.”

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Fourth,” Bobby Lee said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.”

Once again it was agreed.

“And last,” Bobby Lee said, “I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

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Wishing well

Wishing well

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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