Posts Tagged "Computer jokes"

Shall we gather at the river ?

Shall we gather at the river ?

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.

With great expression, he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”

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Outlaws

Outlaws

What is the difference between In-laws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

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Joan, the chef

Joan, the chef

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, “I’m sorry, but I’m blind and I can’t read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I’ll smell it, and order from there.”
The waiter picks up a greasy fork and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, “Ah…that’s what I’ll have…meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
The waiter can’t believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who’s the cook.
The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, “I’ll get you a dirty fork.” He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, “Joan, rub this fork on your crotch.” She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Are you kidding me?
I didn’t know Joan worked here…”

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No votes please

No votes please

My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we’ll try anal.
So please don’t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

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3 old ladies

3 old ladies

3 Old ladies were sitting on a park bench reminiscing on their lives. A flasher approached them and whipped open his coat, exposing himself to them.
The first had a stroke.
The second also had a stroke.
The third, however, could not reach…

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Questions

Questions

What’s the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girl’s track team?

The tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

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Mad, passionate love

Mad, passionate love

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

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Neighborhood stud

Neighborhood stud

Son:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.

“The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later …
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”

This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:”Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.

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For the lexophiles (or dad jokes)

For the lexophiles (or dad jokes)

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

16. A calendar’s days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in The Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.’

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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Time is relative

Time is relative

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the you-know-what out of all of you!’

St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Couple of minutes ago.’

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