Posts Tagged "Dirty jokes"

Big boots!

Big boots!

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, ‘Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?’
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thankya, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.’
‘Don’t be flattered…Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit…’
*Women can be so cruel!*

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Belly button

Belly button

There was this boy and this girl.

He asked her “Can I put my finger in your belly button?”

She said “No”.

He asked her again, but she still said “No”.

He kept asking her and eventually she said: “Go ahead”.

So a moment later she says “Hey!! That isn’t my belly button”.

Then the boy goes “That isn’t my finger….

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Bicycles

Bicycles

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars. He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

This went on every day for the nest month. Each time he’d stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he’d find only sand.

A few years later, he ran into the biker in a restaurant in Tijuana.
After some small talk he said, “Come on . I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won’t tell. I’m just curious. What was it?”
The other man said, “Bicycles.”

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The pet lobsters

The pet lobsters

A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he’s going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit. The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk.

“Nonsense,” says the game warden.
“It’s true, it’s not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it?” asks the man. “I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me”.
“I’ve got to see this; show me.” says the game warden. So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says,
“Okay, now let’s hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you.”
“Lobsters?” asks the poacher, “What lobsters?”

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Alpha rooster

Alpha rooster

A farmer buys a young rooster.

As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch.

At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now.

The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him.

Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head.
The farmer says, “You horny bastard, you deserve this.”

…………The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, “Shh! Don’t shout, let them land!”

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The good Samaritan

The good Samaritan

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a “rat-a-tat-tat” on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time of night,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing set.”

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Time’s up!!!

Time’s up!!!

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed:

“Grandson I want you to listen to me. I want you to take my 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leave me your Rolex watch instead ?”

The Don says:

“You listen to me, some day you going to run a business, you going to have a beautiful wife, lots of money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos, some day you going come home and maybe find your wife in bed with another man. What are you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say TIME’S UP !?

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Melvin

Melvin

A young girl who was writing a paper for the school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial?”.
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.
” The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!” The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin, have there been any calls for me?”

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Golfing days

Golfing days

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
“Are you okay? What’s your name?”
“It’s Sam, and I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
“Sam,” she said, “Forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive … I was weak.
“Well okay,” I finally agreed but thought to myself, “My wife won’t like it.” After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d best go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”.
I said, “Still under the golf cart, I guess…”

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Random jokes

Random jokes

“You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life”. “But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad”. “I know, son”

What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After lunch!

What do we want?
A ccccccuuure for stutttttterrrring!
When do we want it?
N N NNN N N N N… Soon!

What do we want?
A cure for Alzheimers!
When do we want it?
What do we want?

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