Posts Tagged "funny funny jokes"

Life choices

Life choices
I was having a quick drink in a quiet pub in town when I spotted a guy, deep into his glass at the end of the bar. He looked worse for wear and kind of sad so I went over.

“Hey mate, you ok?” I asked.

“What a fucking day.” he moaned. “My boss wants to kill me, I lost my job and my family too – my wife wants a divorce and my kids won’t speak to me.”

“Fuck. What happened?”

“I went round to my boss’s place this morning. Drop some papers off. He’s not in but his old lady is. And she’s a looker, even at 56. Anyway, one thing leads to another and after a few drinks I’m fucking her up the ass on the kitchen table. Which is when the boss came in.”

“Ouch.” I winced. “Unlucky, mate. And the family bit?”

“Well I work for my father-in-law…”

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Extracts from tenant letters

Extracts from tenant letters

1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

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Word play

Word play
My parents have gone to India with some friends.

Mumbai?

No, she’s straight, but I don’t think it’s that kind of trip anyway.

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Men …

Men …

I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing.

I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

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Confused

Confused

Two Welsh lads have been fined in Australia, for breaking into a waterpark for a swim with dolphins, before kidnapping a penguin and taking it home.
They must have been completely shitfaced to confuse that with a sheep.

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Grandkids

Grandkids
A signboard outside a restaurant said: “Eat as much as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill”.

A man entered the restaurant, ate as much as he can and when the waiter gave the bill he pointed to the signboard, “Don’t you see, only my grandchild needs to pay for this bill”.

The waiter said, “Sir, this is not your bill. This is your grandfather’s bill”.

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The Matchmaker

The Matchmaker
A matchmaker was telling to a young but poor man, “There is a beautiful elderly lady who is widowed who owns a fortune and is looking for a young man to marry. She is gentle and also has a twenty year old daughter.”

The man said,”I would rather marry the daughter in that case”.

The matchmaker replied, “But if you marry the daughter, you will get an irritating and ugly old hag for a mother-in-law”.

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Definition of age

Definition of age
Age defined perfectly :

Youth is when you smoke, drink, and are naughty all through the night, and the next morning you still look like you haven’t been doing any of that.

Middle age is when you smoke, drink, and are naughty all through the night, and on the next morning, you look like you have been smoking, drinking and have been naughty all through the night.

Old age is when at night you neither smoke nor drink, nor are naughty, yet on the next morning you look like you have been smoking, drinking and have been naughty all through the night.

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Joyous rabbit

Joyous rabbit
The Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, ‘Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!’ The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, ‘Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!’  The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some smack. ‘Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!’ The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. ‘Lion,’ they reprimand, ‘why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!’ The lion answers, ‘That little f**ker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!’

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Microsoft way of life

Microsoft way of life

A man lived with his wife on the 20th floor. One day when he was at the office, his cheating wife called her boyfriend and they both engaged in a hot inferno of sex. The door bell interrupted the act and the wife peeked through door eye.

“Its my husband and he is early” she said…

“Shit, now what?”

“You just hold still and don’t move a muscle”

She opened the door and let the husband in…

He came in, threw the car keys and his jacket on the table and kissed his wife.

“Sweet heart! I’m hungry and I need to have sex right now!” he said.

“Oh honey! You’re so romantic, but I’m sorry I’m on my menstruation cycle today. I’ll fix something for you ASAP”

Suddenly the husband noticed the naked man on the floor in his bedroom.

“Who is that?”

“Ohh that? That’s a gift from my sister. Its a sex robot. She said I could use it while you are away” she replied and went into the kitchen.

The horny husband thought for a second and unzipped his pants after putting the  ROBOT in doggy position in his bed. As he was entering the robot, it started alarming…”Warning! Warning! Wrong application, malfunction expected.”

The husband startled and groaned in anger “Fucking shit, every sex instrument in this house is useless for me, but I should probably throw this one out of the window”

As he opened the window, the Robot realized that they were on the 20th floor. He started again…

“Software update available…..”

The husband stopped and stared at it while it said…

“Downloading data….”

“Installed! Now your desired portal is ready to use………”

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