Posts Tagged "funny jokes 2017"

Do you know what I think?

Do you know what I think?

Fred and Mary get married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”.

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Is Fred and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, he comes home and asks, “Is Fred and Mary up yet?”

His mom says, “No.”

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “OK! What do you think?”

He says, “Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”

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Oh God,I’m coming!

Oh God,I’m coming!

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God,I’m coming!”

If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The nun fainted.

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Hold on, let me get my hat

Hold on, let me get my hat

A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has.
The guy replies, “It’s chicken wire and I’m going to catch some chickens.” His neighbor says, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”
Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.

The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to.
The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”
Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.

The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.
The guy replies, “It’s pussy willow.”
He says, “Hold on, let me get my hat.”

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You got a heart murmur

You got a heart murmur

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.

” The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

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Such a nice house!

Such a nice house!

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: “I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!”. Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. “I see you followed my advice?”.

“I did”, answers the employee, “It was great! By the way, I didn’t know you had such a nice house!”.

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Because you got an F

Because you got an F

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” The mother looks over at the little girl, “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn’t polite.” the mother warns. “Ok,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” The little girl continues on triumphantly, “And… I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?”, the mother asks, “Why is that?” To which the girl replies, “Because you got an F in sex.”

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Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit

Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit

Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat.
Ed says ” What should we do?”
Bill says, “You better jump in after him, he’s been under water for a while, he might need some help.”
So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, “Help me get him in the boat.”
They wrestle Fred back into the boat.
Ed says, “What do we do now, it doesn’t look like he’s breathing.”
Bill says, “Give him mouth to mouth.”
Ed starts to blow air into Fred’s mouth and says,
“Whoa, I don’t remember Fred having such bad breath.”
Bill says, “Come to think of it, I don’t think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either.”

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Hickory dickory dock

Hickory dickory dock

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, ‘Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.’ ”
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, “Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why yes, I do. How did you know?”

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, “Hickory dickory dock…”

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What they want and what they get

What they want and what they get

What women want

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What they get

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says “I Do”, beginning with the wedding cake!

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I’ll have it enlarged

I’ll have it enlarged

The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

“Well, I’ve seen you naked. You don’t need that towel,” says the husband.

“I just feel more comfortable this way,” the wife responds.

“But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. “I’ll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time,” he responds and gets his picture then heading for a shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

“Why are you wearing that towel now – I want a photo of you in return,” demands the wife. The Husband does as he’s told, the photo’s taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

“What will you do with this photo of me, then?” asks the husband.

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. “I’ll have it enlarged,” she finally responds.

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