Posts Tagged "humor jokes"

Rolex

Rolex
The girlfriend bought me a Rolex for my birthday. “Do you like it” she said?
“Its great!” i said
“It will remind me of your pussy.”
She laughed … “Is that because its precious and sexy??”
I replied: “No its a bit loose round my wrist!!”
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Dead girlfriend

Dead girlfriend

I found my girlfriend dead the other day. She just lay there lifeless so i decided to fuck her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO!!!! ….. Some people are fuckin sick in the head!!

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Black clock

Black clock

I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish in the early hours of sunday morning. I said: “You fucking idiot you were supposed to turn your clock back!!!!”

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Passed away

Passed away
My welsh mate was found dead yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go…… he passed away in his sheep.
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Clouds vs. women

Clouds vs. women

What do women and clouds have in common?

Clouds occasionally fuck off and its a really nice day.

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Conversation in Heaven

Conversation in Heaven

In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer … we’d both still be alive.

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Six affairs

Six affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,  ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted..

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’  She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder  ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside..

He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

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McDonald’s application form

McDonald’s application form
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald’s in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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A worried CEO

A worried CEO

A CEO has his business going well, but he’s a bit worried. He decides to check the competence of his employees.

The first person he meets is his assistant:
– Oh Miss, I’d like to ask you just a question. How much make 2+2 ?
– Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo on that?
– No, just answer the question.
– Well, I think it’s 4.

Then he goes to the computer tech:
– Hi John! Just a question. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
– It is 4.00 E+0, but I’m not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow. Will I ask them to check it?

Then he goes to the accountant:
– Hello mister, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
– Well, well, I know I’m late. I’m sorry. I didn’t already collect all the data, neither check all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between 3.196… and… let’s say… 5.659. But I’ll be able to make a much more accurate estimate within two weeks!

A bit disappointed, he goes to the sales manager:
– Hello Bob, could you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
– So… How much do you think it makes?
– I ask you to answer.
– Mmh… you don’t want to tell me your price. You want me to make an offer. – Indeed.
– So, let’s say 6! No, excuse me, you’re not that kind of man, you know the market. I sell it to you for 5.25, and that’s the price I’ make for my best friend!

Then he goes to his lawyer:
– Good Morning Mister. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
– Right now?
– Yes!
– So, at first I would say 2, but I’m convinced that with a good preparation, we can get 3!

And, finally, he goes to the actuary:
– Hello Sir, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
– Of course. It is… It is… Mmmmh, well, how much would you like it to make?

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True awesome story

True awesome story
John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the US Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full colonel.
Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno). His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.
He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor’s degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favour by letting him keep his job by getting ‘only’ a master’s degree.
So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of State College. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.
On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John’s name. “Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we’ll be using?” he asked.
“I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you’re using,” came the dry response.
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