Posts Tagged "it jokes"

What the hell was that all about?

What the hell was that all about?

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”

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3 rolls left over

3 rolls left over

My wife had been at me for some while to get the lounge redecorated
“Frank and Mary have just done theirs,” she said. They lived 4 doors away. Their house (like many of estates in GB) is exactly the same layout as ours, having been built by the same builder in the same boring way.

I went round there – she was right, their lounge looked really good. And the wallpaper was Ok. I asked Frank where he’d bought it and how many rolls, to save me having to work it out.

“I bought 8 rolls,” said Frank, “At B&Q …and if you go on Wednesday you can get 10% off with their seniors’ card too.”
Of course, as wifey had decreed there was no getting out of it. And I came away from the store, quite proud I’d nibbled 10% into their profit margin.
A good few days later, the wallpapering was complete. But I was puzzled as I had 3 full rolls left over.
I went round to Frank’s and told him. “I just can’t understand why I had 3 rolls left over.”
“Well, that’s funny,” said Frank. “So did I.”

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At least once

At least once

A woman with a clipboard just knocked at our door.
She asked me if we would have an Ethiopian child for Christmas.
We normally have a turkey but, fuck it, I’ll try anything once.

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Boyfriends

Boyfriends

My daughter was asking for my opinion regarding her boyfriend, so I told her that I frankly do not like him and she should stop seeing him.

“Is it because of his job? So what if he is a store clerk, he earns his money decently and honestly.”
“No, its not his job.”

“Then what, you don’t like the way he dresses?”
“No, I’m fine that.”

“Ok, is it because he has a tattoo, that is so common these days.”
“No, the tattoo is his choice, and I’ve got no problems with that.”

“Then what, do you think he has a drug problem?”
“No.”

“Then why don’t you just tell me what you don’t like about Ahmed.”

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Christmas prayers

Christmas prayers

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent’s house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

“Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike, and a telescope.”

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

“I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!”

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Dear Santa …

Dear Santa …

A beautiful woman has a fantasy to have sex with Santa Claus, so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the woman says in a sexy voice,
“Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE!
A surprised Santa replies, “Ho ho ho, Santa’s gotta GO.., I have to deliver these toys to the kids, you KNOW.”
The woman is determined to have her way with Santa and drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE!
Santa is starting to sweat..but replies again, “Ho Ho Ho, Santa’s gotta GO.., I have to deliver these toys to the kids, you KNOW.”
She takes off her bra and panties..now completely nude, says again. “Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE !
Santa, with a smile, finally says, “Hey Hey Hey, Santa’s gotta STAY, I can’t go up the chimney with my pecker this WAY!.”

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Don’t wanna ruin dem slippers

Don’t wanna ruin dem slippers

An old man goes into a pharmacy to buy Viagra.
‘Can I have six tablets cut in quarters?’ he asked.
‘I can cut them for you’ replied the pharmacist, ‘but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.’
‘I’m 96’ said the old man. ‘I don’t want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers.’

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Parent similarities

Parent similarities

My girlfriend was reading in a magazine that men are attracted to women that resemble their mothers. She said, “You’ve never told me about your parents, what was your mother like?”

I said, “I don’t remember them. They died when our plane crashed in Africa when I was six months old. I survived and was raised by a hippo.”

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Without drinking and golf …

Without drinking and golf …

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked,
“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.

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At the gates of Heaven

At the gates of Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’” and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting.

While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted,

“It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

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