Posts Tagged "New jokes"

Wise old Chief

Wise old Chief

An old Cherokee Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done…”

The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied:

“When white man found the land, Indians were running it with no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to the women.”

The Chief leaned back and smiled, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that?”

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Ghosts in the night

Ghosts in the night

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, “Look at he window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.”

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

“There he is again,” the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

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Popsicle maker

Popsicle maker

Three guys die and go to hell. When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

“Oh, how are you going to do it,” asks one of the guys.

“Whatever your fathers jobs were, that’s how I’ll remove them,” says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy, “Your father was a lumberjack… So I’ll cut it off with a saw.”

To the second guy he says, “Your father was a blacksmith… So I’m going to burn it off.”

As he calls the third guy over he notices he’s smiling.

“Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends` penises,” says the devil.

“I know,” replies the man, “but my father was a popsicle maker.”

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Moan and groan

Moan and groan

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you’ve been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sex!”

Sadie questions: “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!”

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Morris, should I moan now?” “No not yet.”

Morris begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?” “No, I’ll tell you when!”

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. “Is it time for me to moan, Morris?” “Wait, I’ll tell you when.”

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I had!” 

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Rolex

Rolex
The girlfriend bought me a Rolex for my birthday. “Do you like it” she said?
“Its great!” i said
“It will remind me of your pussy.”
She laughed … “Is that because its precious and sexy??”
I replied: “No its a bit loose round my wrist!!”
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Dead girlfriend

Dead girlfriend

I found my girlfriend dead the other day. She just lay there lifeless so i decided to fuck her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO!!!! ….. Some people are fuckin sick in the head!!

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Black clock

Black clock

I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish in the early hours of sunday morning. I said: “You fucking idiot you were supposed to turn your clock back!!!!”

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Passed away

Passed away
My welsh mate was found dead yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go…… he passed away in his sheep.
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Clouds vs. women

Clouds vs. women

What do women and clouds have in common?

Clouds occasionally fuck off and its a really nice day.

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Conversation in Heaven

Conversation in Heaven

In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer … we’d both still be alive.

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