Posts Tagged "New jokes"

Paddy and the name change

Paddy and the name change

Paddy wants his name changed so he goes to Summerset House to see the commissioner.  Paddy says “I want me name changed”.  The Commissioner replies, “You see them double doors up there, go through them, there is a woman at the desk, she’ll do it for you”.  Paddy goes through the double doors, walks up to the desk and says to the woman “I want me name changed”.  She asks “What is your name”?  Me name is “Patrick Shithouse”.  She asks “What do you want it changed to”?  He says “Michael Shithouse”.

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I hate this cat !

I hate this cat !

A man hates his wife’s cat, so one day he drives to the next town and dumps it.  By the time he returns home the cat is already back.  Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it again, but the cat is back again.  Finally, he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.  Hours later he phones the wife and says “is the cat there?”  “Yes” replies the wife.  “Put the fucker on, I’m lost”!

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Women …

Women …

A woman in an ASDA store notices a young assistant.  He has such a cute arse it makes her feel randy.  She asks him to carry her shopping to her car.  On the way she can’t hold back any more and says, “I’ve got a hot itchy pussy”.  He says “you’ll have to point it out love.  All these fuckin’ Japanese cars look the same to me”.

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Doctor slept with a patient

Doctor slept with a patient

Dr. John had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty.  No matter how nuch he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhealming, but every once in a while he’d hear an internal reassuring voice say “John, don’t worry about it.  You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients, and you won’t be the last, and you’re single, just let it go”.  But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering, “John, you’re a fucking vet”.

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Turner Brown

Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and see’s this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy see’s the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.” The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: “What’s wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says,”What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: ” I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…? I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown. The small guy says: Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, i thought you said, “Turn around.”

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Can’t make him come!

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!’

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night’ She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’ John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’ ‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’ She said,  ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

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Circumcised

Circumcised

A chap walked into the council office and to the receptionist ,

‘I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be member of parliament.’

The receptionist replied “certainly sir. Please fill in this form.”

He was filling in the form OK until he came to the question , ‘Are you circumcised?’

So he asked the receptionist – “Is that question necessary?”

She replied: “If you are circumcised you are not eligible ”

He asked: “what difference would it make if he was circumcised?

She replied: “To become a member of parliament , you have to be a complete prick.”

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Four nuns

Four nuns

Four Nuns arrive at the Gates of Heaven, and saint Peter approaches them and says – Because of your deeds you have earned a position amongst our father, but first you must purge yourself of the sins you committed before you took your vows.

He lines them up in front of a basin filled with water – okay, sister Rosemary, let’s start with you –
– Me? but i’ve always been pure
– Seems like someone needs her memory refreshed – says saint Peter, and the nun goes red – when you were 17, that night with your boyfriend, your parents were out
– I touched his penis with my left pinky finger – says the nun, while turning a shade of purple.
– No problem – says saint Peter – just step forward, dip your finger into the holy water, and go on into heaven.
– Let’s see – says saint Peter – sister jude
– Me? that’s a mistake, I have never – says the nun, very nervously
– I wasn’t born yesterday – says saint peter, now a bit impatient – tell me, that ranch were you spent your summer holidays, the farmboy that lived there, one day in one of the barns… –
The nun turns orange – I grabbed his penis with this hand – she says
– Well go and dip your hand into the holy water –
While this is happening the last nun switches places with the one in front of her and saint peter catches her:
– There’s an order to things, sister
– That may be true saint Peter, but I’m washing my mouth before she washes her ass!

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Two great white sharks

Two great white sharks

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a small boat in distress.

“Follow me, son,” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Now we eat everybody.”

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside ‘em!”

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Library

Library

Police in Manchester last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Moss Side.
Local residents were stunned.
A community spokesman said: “We’re shocked. We never knew we had a f*ckin’ library!”

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