Posts Tagged "paddy jokes"

Paddy and Mick go hunting in Canada

Paddy and Mick go hunting in Canada

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose, and they managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said that the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly saying, “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded, and the plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick managed to survive the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

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Paddy vs. The Movie

Paddy vs. The Movie

Paddy and murphy were watching a John Wayne movie. Paddy said to Murphy: “I bet you 5$ John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Murphy said: “Ok Paddy”, so there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff. Paddy turns round to Murphy: “I told you what would happen”.  Murphy said: “You’re right Paddy, there you go the 5$” .

Paddy thinks, and in the end said: “I fell very cheeky here Murphy”. “Why that Paddy?”

“Because I’ve seen this film before”.

Murphy says:  “So have I but I didn`t expect him to make the same mistake twice” …

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Irish milionnaire

Irish milionnaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? ”

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?”

“I haven’t got a clue..” said Mick, ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin …”

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“Dat it is.”

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

“Because he lives in a clock!”

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How to bathe a baby

How to bathe a baby

Paddy gets a job in a maternity unit when he’s asked to bath a baby.
The nurse walks in to see him moving the baby around in the bathtub with a stick.
She screams at him: “What the hell do you think you’re doing, you don’t bath a baby with a stick!”

He says: “You do when the water is this fuckin` hot”.

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Paddy and the name change

Paddy and the name change

Paddy wants his name changed so he goes to Summerset House to see the commissioner.  Paddy says “I want me name changed”.  The Commissioner replies, “You see them double doors up there, go through them, there is a woman at the desk, she’ll do it for you”.  Paddy goes through the double doors, walks up to the desk and says to the woman “I want me name changed”.  She asks “What is your name”?  Me name is “Patrick Shithouse”.  She asks “What do you want it changed to”?  He says “Michael Shithouse”.

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Paddy at the zoo

Paddy at the zoo

The zookeeper says to Paddy “The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her… would you consider shagging her for £500”?  Paddy replies “I will, on three conditions.  Firstly, I don’t have to kiss her.  Secondly, my family will never get to know, and Thirdly, give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together”.

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Paddy on a diet

Paddy on a diet

Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet.  “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this for two weeks.  You should lose 5lbs”.  When Paddy returns, he shocks the doctor by having lost 4st.  “That’s amazing” the doctor says… Paddy nodded, “I’ll tell ya be Jazus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day”.  “What, from hunger?” asks the doctor.  “No, from all da fuckin’ skippin” says Paddy.

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Paddy on a flight

A priest was seated next to Paddy on a flight.  Paddy ordered a Rum & Coke.  The flight attendant asked the priest if he would like a drink.  He replied in discust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips”!  Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice”!

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Labrador

Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a labrador. “Feck off”, say’s Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”!

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Paddy vs. Murphy

Paddy is driving past Murphy’s house one day and notices a sign in his garden saying:
“BOAT FOR SALE”.

He stops his car and knocks on his mate Murphys house.

“Murphy, whats dis, yuv got a sign up sayin’ “Boat for sale”? Ya haven’t got a boat, yuv only got a traktor and a caravan?”

Murphy: “I know Paddy, and der boat for sale!!”

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