A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”
My wife had been at me for some while to get the lounge redecorated
“Frank and Mary have just done theirs,” she said. They lived 4 doors away. Their house (like many of estates in GB) is exactly the same layout as ours, having been built by the same builder in the same boring way.
I went round there – she was right, their lounge looked really good. And the wallpaper was Ok. I asked Frank where he’d bought it and how many rolls, to save me having to work it out.
“I bought 8 rolls,” said Frank, “At B&Q …and if you go on Wednesday you can get 10% off with their seniors’ card too.”
Of course, as wifey had decreed there was no getting out of it. And I came away from the store, quite proud I’d nibbled 10% into their profit margin.
A good few days later, the wallpapering was complete. But I was puzzled as I had 3 full rolls left over.
I went round to Frank’s and told him. “I just can’t understand why I had 3 rolls left over.”
“Well, that’s funny,” said Frank. “So did I.”
A woman with a clipboard just knocked at our door.
She asked me if we would have an Ethiopian child for Christmas.
We normally have a turkey but, fuck it, I’ll try anything once.
My daughter was asking for my opinion regarding her boyfriend, so I told her that I frankly do not like him and she should stop seeing him.
“Is it because of his job? So what if he is a store clerk, he earns his money decently and honestly.”
“No, its not his job.”
“Then what, you don’t like the way he dresses?”
“No, I’m fine that.”
“Ok, is it because he has a tattoo, that is so common these days.”
“No, the tattoo is his choice, and I’ve got no problems with that.”
“Then what, do you think he has a drug problem?”
“Then why don’t you just tell me what you don’t like about Ahmed.”
A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent’s house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
“Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike, and a telescope.”
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
“I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!”