Posts Tagged "smart jokes"

Library

Library

Police in Manchester last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Moss Side.
Local residents were stunned.
A community spokesman said: “We’re shocked. We never knew we had a f*ckin’ library!”

Read More

The story of my life

The story of my life

Goes like this …

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I
would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but
there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with
a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl,
but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a
drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I
decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable
girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got
excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a
girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl,
but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to
another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things
and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun
initially and very energetic,but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits, long legs and a fine ass…

Read More

Headache cure

Headache cure

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time,
and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called
the fellow into his office and said, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what is
causing your headaches, but we’ve found a cure for them: you’ll have to be
castrated.” The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor
that he believed he would try to bear the pain.

But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor
fellow was driven back to the doctor. “All right, I guess I’ll have the
operation,” he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably
depressed, and his physician told him, “I recommend you begin life
anew–start over from this point.”

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men’s shop for a new set
of clothes. The proprietor said, “Starting with the suit, looks like you
take about a 38-regular.” “That’s right,” exclaimed the man, “how’d you
know?” “Well, when you’ve been in the business as long as I have, you get
pretty good at sizing a man up,” replied the salesman. “Now, for a shirt,
looks like about a 15 long.” “Right again,” the man said. The proprietor
suggested, “And for undershorts, I’d say a size 36.” “There’s your first
mistake,” the man said, “I’ve worn 34’s for years.” “No, you’re a size 36 if
I’ve ever seen one,” said the owner. The man replied, “I ought to know what
size undershorts I wear, and I’ll take 34.” The owner replied “Well all
right, if you insist, but they’re going to pinch your balls and give you
headaches!”

Read More

Jack Schitt

Jack Schitt

Who is Jack Schitt you ask?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a
response when someone says ” you don’t know jack schitt.”

Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the
only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner
of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt,
and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood
and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently
returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, “you don’t know Jack Schitt”, you can correct them

Read More

Boob job

A women goes to the Doctor and tells him she would like her boobs made bigger.
The Doctor tells her to rub toilet paper on her boobs and that will make them bigger.
She asks: “How is that going to make them bigger ?”
The Doctor says: “Well it worked on your ass!”

Read More

Death or Booka ?

Death or Booka ?

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well the explorer doesn’t want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams “DEATH BY BOOKA!”

Read More

Important things

Important things

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be  with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other!!!

Read More

Mailman’s last day on the job

Mailman’s last day on the job

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

Read More

Pussy and bitch

Pussy and bitch

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. “Mom”, the boy asks, “What’s a pussy?”

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” the son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.”

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!”

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?”

The dad replies, “That’s everything outside the circle!”

Read More

Another seven important men

Another seven important men

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life:

1. The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”

2. The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”

3. The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”

4. The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”

5. The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”

6. The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”

7. The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

Read More
Page 30 of 32« First...1020...2829303132