Posts Tagged "wife jokes"

Auctions

Auctions

Wife: “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”

Husband: “How about the ones like mine?”

Wife: “Those they gave away.”

Husband: “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”

Wife: “And how much for the ones like mine?”

Husband: “That’s where they held the auction.”

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200 bucks

200 bucks

One day at home a wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, “Hi, is Tony home?”

The wife replies, “No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.”

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred buck just to see one.”

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell – a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and the guy then says “That was so amazing I’ve got to see both of them. I’ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together.”

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, “You know, your friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

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Wrong finger?

Wrong finger?

A: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

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What the hell was that all about?

What the hell was that all about?

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”

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3 rolls left over

3 rolls left over

My wife had been at me for some while to get the lounge redecorated
“Frank and Mary have just done theirs,” she said. They lived 4 doors away. Their house (like many of estates in GB) is exactly the same layout as ours, having been built by the same builder in the same boring way.

I went round there – she was right, their lounge looked really good. And the wallpaper was Ok. I asked Frank where he’d bought it and how many rolls, to save me having to work it out.

“I bought 8 rolls,” said Frank, “At B&Q …and if you go on Wednesday you can get 10% off with their seniors’ card too.”
Of course, as wifey had decreed there was no getting out of it. And I came away from the store, quite proud I’d nibbled 10% into their profit margin.
A good few days later, the wallpapering was complete. But I was puzzled as I had 3 full rolls left over.
I went round to Frank’s and told him. “I just can’t understand why I had 3 rolls left over.”
“Well, that’s funny,” said Frank. “So did I.”

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At least once

At least once

A woman with a clipboard just knocked at our door.
She asked me if we would have an Ethiopian child for Christmas.
We normally have a turkey but, fuck it, I’ll try anything once.

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Boyfriends

Boyfriends

My daughter was asking for my opinion regarding her boyfriend, so I told her that I frankly do not like him and she should stop seeing him.

“Is it because of his job? So what if he is a store clerk, he earns his money decently and honestly.”
“No, its not his job.”

“Then what, you don’t like the way he dresses?”
“No, I’m fine that.”

“Ok, is it because he has a tattoo, that is so common these days.”
“No, the tattoo is his choice, and I’ve got no problems with that.”

“Then what, do you think he has a drug problem?”
“No.”

“Then why don’t you just tell me what you don’t like about Ahmed.”

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Christmas prayers

Christmas prayers

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent’s house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

“Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike, and a telescope.”

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

“I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!”

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Dear Santa …

Dear Santa …

A beautiful woman has a fantasy to have sex with Santa Claus, so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the woman says in a sexy voice,
“Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE!
A surprised Santa replies, “Ho ho ho, Santa’s gotta GO.., I have to deliver these toys to the kids, you KNOW.”
The woman is determined to have her way with Santa and drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE!
Santa is starting to sweat..but replies again, “Ho Ho Ho, Santa’s gotta GO.., I have to deliver these toys to the kids, you KNOW.”
She takes off her bra and panties..now completely nude, says again. “Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE !
Santa, with a smile, finally says, “Hey Hey Hey, Santa’s gotta STAY, I can’t go up the chimney with my pecker this WAY!.”

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Don’t wanna ruin dem slippers

Don’t wanna ruin dem slippers

An old man goes into a pharmacy to buy Viagra.
‘Can I have six tablets cut in quarters?’ he asked.
‘I can cut them for you’ replied the pharmacist, ‘but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.’
‘I’m 96’ said the old man. ‘I don’t want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers.’

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