Posts Tagged "wife jokes"

10

10

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine, eight, seven …”

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Rednecks

Rednecks

A small zoo in  Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. Herein, the Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

“First,” Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second,” he said, “she must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt.”

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third,” he said, “you can never tell any one about this.”

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Fourth,” Bobby Lee said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.”

Once again it was agreed.

“And last,” Bobby Lee said, “I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

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Wishing well

Wishing well

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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Shall we gather at the river ?

Shall we gather at the river ?

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.

With great expression, he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”

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Outlaws

Outlaws

What is the difference between In-laws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

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Joan, the chef

Joan, the chef

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, “I’m sorry, but I’m blind and I can’t read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I’ll smell it, and order from there.”
The waiter picks up a greasy fork and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, “Ah…that’s what I’ll have…meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
The waiter can’t believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who’s the cook.
The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, “I’ll get you a dirty fork.” He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, “Joan, rub this fork on your crotch.” She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Are you kidding me?
I didn’t know Joan worked here…”

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No votes please

No votes please

My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we’ll try anal.
So please don’t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

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3 old ladies

3 old ladies

3 Old ladies were sitting on a park bench reminiscing on their lives. A flasher approached them and whipped open his coat, exposing himself to them.
The first had a stroke.
The second also had a stroke.
The third, however, could not reach…

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Questions

Questions

What’s the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girl’s track team?

The tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

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Mad, passionate love

Mad, passionate love

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

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