Posts Tagged "Women jokes"

I’ll have it enlarged

I’ll have it enlarged

The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

“Well, I’ve seen you naked. You don’t need that towel,” says the husband.

“I just feel more comfortable this way,” the wife responds.

“But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. “I’ll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time,” he responds and gets his picture then heading for a shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

“Why are you wearing that towel now – I want a photo of you in return,” demands the wife. The Husband does as he’s told, the photo’s taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

“What will you do with this photo of me, then?” asks the husband.

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. “I’ll have it enlarged,” she finally responds.

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Pink bits taste amazing!

Pink bits taste amazing!

Scientists have found that women share the same DNA as prawns. Their heads are full of shit but their pink bits taste amazing!!

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Everything but my ear rings!

Everything but my ear rings!

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Birmingham and I need some help.
If I were to give you �20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’

She replied:”Everything but my ear rings!”

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Bowling again!

Bowling again!

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

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Rodeo sex

Rodeo sex

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It’s when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear “Your sister was better than you…”, and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

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Tight, tight, tight

Tight, tight, tight

This couple was in bed getting busy when the girl places the guy’s hand onto her pussy.

“Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
“Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says,
“Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in when she says moaning aloud
“Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in!
“Now clap your hands…” commands the girl.
“I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says

“See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

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Auctions

Auctions

Wife: “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”

Husband: “How about the ones like mine?”

Wife: “Those they gave away.”

Husband: “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”

Wife: “And how much for the ones like mine?”

Husband: “That’s where they held the auction.”

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200 bucks

200 bucks

One day at home a wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, “Hi, is Tony home?”

The wife replies, “No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.”

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred buck just to see one.”

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell – a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and the guy then says “That was so amazing I’ve got to see both of them. I’ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together.”

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, “You know, your friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

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Wrong finger?

Wrong finger?

A: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

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What the hell was that all about?

What the hell was that all about?

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”

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